Sometimes It's Just Hard

I thought it was done...I thought I could look back on this blog and remember the stories and the visits.... I thought it was really going to happen...that I could delete the Far Away part and be so busy that it would be really difficult to take time away to update a blog.  Because the ultimate...the secret dream...the things you wish for but you know would never happen...was actually going to happen.  One phone call....that started as a maybe and turned into "I think we are going to do it" ...I think we are going to move to California...OMG...heart stopping moment...ok...don't get too excited...it's just a maybe, if things work out, take it slow...day by day week by week, things just seem to falling into place.  And somewhere along the line it became more real....looking at houses, talking about schools....still telling myself...take it easy...take it slow..but then more phone calls...this time talking about what that would mean being an hour way from these three incredible little humans....Sunday dinners at Nana & Papa's....running up for a quick mid week...just cause I can visit...pick me up from school Nana and let's go to Starbucks...sitting in the sun watching Little League games....getting excited cause they are excited that they can ride their bikes in January in California....holy moley this looks like it's really going to happen.  Starting to believe ...over the moon doesn't even come close.  This new incredible future was taking shape....we were actually going to be THAT family...where it was just normal to go to Nana's...no big deal happens all the time.  That regular life was going to include apple juice and chocolate milk in the fridge...Kraft dinner in the cupboard...fishy crackers and cookies. The newest little love was going to be able to grow up with his cousins...how amazing is that...could not believe we were going to be so lucky!  I thought about the "other" grandparents and what this would mean to them...after all I have just experienced for the first time what that means to have a grandchild close by and how would that feel if they moved away.....they have had this life for 7 years...they would miss them...but I told myself they have busy social lives, they leave home for the winters 3 or 4 months so they are use to being away...and they can now be the ones that visit for weeks at a time....They will love California...just as we learned to love Nova Scotia.  And then it happened, holy #*%#!! They bought tickets to come out and look at houses....ok ok breathe...this is real....making plans, cleaning rooms...planning dinners...should I try to get that room painted before they come....calm calm...that was my mantra...but geesh I was excited. And then in a blink it was gone....we're not coming...she changed her mind.....too big of a change...can't leave her parents...all these words in a fog...ok...go into what a good Mom would do mode...supportive...understanding...yes I know it was such a hard decision....no of course I don't hate you...of course I'll be fine...oh no worries...I'll just be sad for a little while...it will be fine.  Don't cry don't cry...get off the phone.....it makes sense....such a big move.  They are fine....just couldn't do it...lives back to normal and then it hits...the dream crumbles...wasn't meant to be...don't be sad...worse things happen to other people... appreciate what you have....you are so blessed in every way....it just goes back to the way it was before....but I lay my head down, close my eyes and slowly let the dream dissolve...yes...I will get over it...I am so blessed....but I am going to be sad for a little while....So I guess the "far away" is back in my blog

It's Been Awhile

I have not been a good blogger....I'm going to try and change that! Sometimes I think I just analyze the hell out of what I want to write...and that creates a blank empty white page....so no more...I will write anything that pops into my mind...within reason. This blog is about being a Nana who lives thousands of miles away from my munchkins and really wants to pretend that the miles don't matter...but the truth is sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. The negatives are obvious...I can't just pop over when I absolutely need to hear my Brynnie girl's version of "You Are My Sunshine"...the happy sweet version and the dark version..or when I am craving the logic and explanations that only my 3 yr JJ can give about why he doesn't want day old Kraft dinner and why cookies are a suitable substitute for cereal for breakfast...and to listen to my Devin Riley say Nana "guess what" and get a 7 yr olds rendition of all the exciting things that happen in a 1st graders life...those are the obvious things that have to be planned ahead of time either through phone calls or Skype...but the positives are there too...I'm guessing...not really convinced of that yet...I'm always the Nana that comes for vacations and "special" visits...I'm the Nana that lives in California where it is always warm and sunny and has lots of palm trees and the "possibility"of running into Miley Cyrus or Demi Lovato....after all it IS California. Not the everyday Nana who can pitch in when Mom needs a break or its date night for the exhausted parents...or the one who doesn't have to buy a plane ticket to see school concerts...ok now I am whining...sorry...its only been a week since they were actually in my house learning all there is to know about Nana & Papa's life in California...what my kitchen looks like...where I buy groceries....that Nana has a "cool" car and Papa likes "old fashioned things" that Nana knows to have lots of apple juice and yogurt...vanilla...strawberry and peach...and that Dora can come on her TV 24/7. The best part of 3 weeks with those 3 amazing little creatures is how thankful I am that they live in this far off place that allows them to experience childhood in a way that has been long gone in fast paced busy California...that they actually get a childhood. So as hard as it is somedays...and how crazy this bi-coastal... two country life can be sometimes...it is worth every single second...and Nana & Papa will work hard to be able to make the day to day grandparenting thing more of a reality.

Ready To Go Again!!

Passing the time...it seems its what I do best. Adjusting again to the reality that I live 3000 miles away...and gearing up to travel again...its a constant state of ups and downs...but isn't everything in life? I find myself participating in somewhat faux/Nana relationships...not to minimize those relationship at all...I truly love each and every connection that I have made...but truth be told there is nothing on earth even remotely close to the quick little snuggle of an almost 3 yr old grandson who only stands still long enough for a hug even though he is so excited you're finally here...but is also curious about whats in my suitcase and the goodies smuggled in from the USA... or the joy on my 6 yr old granddaughters face when she see's me after 4 months and she knows that the special "California Nana" time is about to begin..because after all she is quite experienced (for better or for worse) in this bi-coastal different country Nana-Granddaughter relationship. As for the New Kid on the Block..otherwise known as the latest love of our lives our 15 month old granddaughter...the little girl who is stingy with her smiles and snuggles...but when you finally get one you know it was totally worth waiting for..and go figure this...is soooo totally crazy attached to her Papa...even though she has only seen him as much as she has seen the devoted Nana...but such is life.....he treasures every moment when only Papa will do. I gear up and pack and shop and count the sleeps...and spend my time 30000 ft in the air remembering all the trips and the airports that came before. Each one a special little treasure that I get to bring out and remember every little detail...and try to pass the time again until we taxi and I get impatient waiting for my fellow travelers to just get off this plane...and immigration and the long walk down corridors and down escalators...and then those automatic doors open.....my heart knows what is waiting on the other side.....I hear a giggle and "there she is"....I am the luckiest Nana in the world!!

Thinking About The Generations

I am getting ready to travel again...this time to Florida to meet up with the ones who make my heart whole, my future hopeful, and my past and present make sense. Never did I ever know that there would be someones who would love Mary Poppins as much as I do, who understood that McDonald's french fries were in a category all of their own, and who giggled just because the sound was so fascinating. I'm sure this is the best time of my life. At every change I have thought that...but I'm pretty sure this is the best. Even with the aches and pains that come with the job of "Nana" all I can think of are the hours and miles it will take to completely understand the life and times of Mickey and friends and how it will fascinate these bright eyed faces at the Magic Kingdom. Comfortable shoe, lots of Advil are the order of the day...after all it apparently takes 3 days and acres of walking to fully appreciate all that the Kingdom has to offer...works for me as long as I get to share these magical moments with these little wonders. Nova Scotia, Florida, California or Timbuktoo, no worries... as long as the destination involves 6 yr old wisdom , 2 yr old snuggles and 11 month old giggles..I am so there!!

Nana's Are Determined

Only Nana's understand. Tickets are booked...arrangements are made. And then...a phone call changes everything. Nana...my teacher just sent a note home and my Christmas recital is the day BEFORE you get here. Uh Oh...hello Air Canada...how much to change my ticket. Of course!! No way can I miss her 1st real school Christmas program. I think back to her Daddy and Auntie T and Uncle Johnny and all of their recitals and programs and I remember the excitement but mostly the busyness of trying to get it all in. It seems to have passed by in a blur...but that is the joy , the privilege, the difference of being a grandparent...no more busyness, no rushing, no more blurs...just absolute joy and total concentration...the only blip on the radar is the moment that brave little 5 yr old walks on the stage and sings her heart out with Christmas cheer. Every smile every fidget all frozen in time and branded in my mind, that amazing little creature is MY First Grandchild...who would have ever thought!!

Counting Down The Sleeps!

It was a difficult decision. I looked at all angles... worried and wondered which way should I go. Checking the internet several times a day. Finally a mid week sale at Air Canada made my decision for me. Ticket booked and counting down. Not exactly the perfect Christmas holiday. But I have decided perfection is overrated. If I had my dream of dreams I would live around the corner and be able to be a part of the normal day to day, not just the highlights and holidays...but I had to choose...(due to circumstances beyond my control)...do I go for the cookie making and the shopping and the recitals and the anticipation or be there for the arrival of the big guy in red and get to watch the wonder on their faces as they race down the stairs to see if HE really came. I ended up choosing the first..cooking making, shopping etc.....this is just a day in the life of a long distance grandparent. Its never easy...I always wonder...I try to be realistic. How many times a year can I go to see these little wonders? Should I be satisfied with two or three times a year? Do I focus on the milestones or the day to day magic...when in reality I want it all. There are times when I think its more important to know that they are loving hot oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast and are OFF the potatoes than being one in a crowd at a loud busy rambunctious pizza party celebrating their 2nd or 3rd birthday...I don't know....which one will they remember... I want to believe that our nightly phone calls for bedtime stories and lullaby's shorten the distance and erase they days that fall between the good-byes. But time is marching on...we've gone from Junie B Jones to Hannah Montana in a blink...from chubby cheeks and giggly garble to articulate complete sentences and from snuggly newborn to a sippy cup and fishie crackers...and that's just between the warm days of summer and the cool days of autumn. Imagine the magic that happens on a Tuesday at 10:00 in the morning...something that no one else's grandchild could possibly have done before...but I have to choose...I can focus on what I miss or I can count my blessings and be truly grateful for every minute that I get to share with these little miracles.