Sometimes It's Just Hard

I thought it was done...I thought I could look back on this blog and remember the stories and the visits.... I thought it was really going to happen...that I could delete the Far Away part and be so busy that it would be really difficult to take time away to update a blog.  Because the ultimate...the secret dream...the things you wish for but you know would never happen...was actually going to happen.  One phone call....that started as a maybe and turned into "I think we are going to do it" ...I think we are going to move to California...OMG...heart stopping moment...ok...don't get too excited...it's just a maybe, if things work out, take it slow...day by day week by week, things just seem to falling into place.  And somewhere along the line it became more real....looking at houses, talking about schools....still telling myself...take it easy...take it slow..but then more phone calls...this time talking about what that would mean being an hour way from these three incredible little humans....Sunday dinners at Nana & Papa's....running up for a quick mid week...just cause I can visit...pick me up from school Nana and let's go to Starbucks...sitting in the sun watching Little League games....getting excited cause they are excited that they can ride their bikes in January in California....holy moley this looks like it's really going to happen.  Starting to believe ...over the moon doesn't even come close.  This new incredible future was taking shape....we were actually going to be THAT family...where it was just normal to go to Nana's...no big deal happens all the time.  That regular life was going to include apple juice and chocolate milk in the fridge...Kraft dinner in the cupboard...fishy crackers and cookies. The newest little love was going to be able to grow up with his cousins...how amazing is that...could not believe we were going to be so lucky!  I thought about the "other" grandparents and what this would mean to them...after all I have just experienced for the first time what that means to have a grandchild close by and how would that feel if they moved away.....they have had this life for 7 years...they would miss them...but I told myself they have busy social lives, they leave home for the winters 3 or 4 months so they are use to being away...and they can now be the ones that visit for weeks at a time....They will love California...just as we learned to love Nova Scotia.  And then it happened, holy #*%#!! They bought tickets to come out and look at houses....ok ok breathe...this is real....making plans, cleaning rooms...planning dinners...should I try to get that room painted before they come....calm calm...that was my mantra...but geesh I was excited. And then in a blink it was gone....we're not coming...she changed her mind.....too big of a change...can't leave her parents...all these words in a fog...ok...go into what a good Mom would do mode...supportive...understanding...yes I know it was such a hard decision....no of course I don't hate you...of course I'll be fine...oh no worries...I'll just be sad for a little while...it will be fine.  Don't cry don't cry...get off the phone.....it makes sense....such a big move.  They are fine....just couldn't do it...lives back to normal and then it hits...the dream crumbles...wasn't meant to be...don't be sad...worse things happen to other people... appreciate what you have....you are so blessed in every way....it just goes back to the way it was before....but I lay my head down, close my eyes and slowly let the dream dissolve...yes...I will get over it...I am so blessed....but I am going to be sad for a little while....So I guess the "far away" is back in my blog